Free Short Story:
A short story may never sell for a wide variety of reasons. Poor grammar or uninspiring sentences, poorly plotted, bad story telling, unappealing characters, doesn't fit the market, etc. I've sold stories that I thought were just okay to pro markets, and I've had pro markets and semi-pro markets repeatedly reject some of my favorite stories. Like most writers, it's difficult for me to be a good judge of my own work, but even trickier, sometimes you just have to be lucky enough to get a good story to the right editor at the right time. So you just plug away with the submission process and hope for a break.
If you remember Brian's Song, you might know that Brian Piccolo was a very good running back who had the misfortune of being a Chicago Bear at the same time as Gayle Sayers. Needless to say he didn't get his hands on the ball very often. Would he have had more time with the ball if he had been on another team? Who can say. But I believe it's a very lucky writer who gets a good story rejected, and then six months later, out of the blue, an editor inquires whether the story is still available because she now has a perfect slot for it.
For a variety of reasons, I don't believe the following story is ever likely to sell. I wrote the story after someone critiqued another of my stories saying there was too much dialog making the characters seem like talking heads. Probably fair criticism, but I took it as a challenge to write a story that was all dialog. The basic premise is somewhat of a trope, but I simply wanted to have a good time with the concept of an all dialog story. All this took place at about the time that analog TV was to be replaced with digital broadcasts.
So here is the story for anyone who cares to read. I hope it provokes a smile.
Upgrade 2023
Copyright 2009
by
Ronald D. Ferguson
"Thank you
for calling the Device Upgrade Department. This is Suren. How may I help
you?"
"I've got
dog slobber on my Model A627ZT full-wall display screen."
"Yes, Sir.
I need a little information before we proceed."
"Don't you
have caller ID? My name and face should already be on your screen. Probably my
location, my account number, and all the business I've ever done with you,
too."
"Yes Sir, I
can see you on my display."
"Is that
you at the corner of my wall screen?"
"No, Sir.
That is my official company avatar."
"Just a
second. You're behind the dog slobber. Let me move you . . . That's better. Now
what information do you need besides my name which you already have.
"For
privacy reasons, I cannot call you by your screen name. You must give me a name
to use."
"Really? What
happens then? Do you enter it in your computer and it appears throughout your
script? Never mind, call me Lucy. You know, like in 'I Love—'"
"Lucy? Yes
Sir. If you say so. Thank you, Lucy."
Don't I look
like a Lucy to you, Suren? Your avatar looks like a Suren. Check this out. Your
avatar looks a bit like me."
"Yes, Lucy,
I can see that on my screen."
"Hey, I
should have posted my avatar. I am much better looking than any old ID photo
you have on file. Anyway, despite the looks
of your avatar, you don't sound like a Suren to me".
"I am sorry
that you feel that way, Lucy. May I ask why?"
"Well, for
starters, I think you are the same girl named Suren who helped me with my
Hetrodyne 90 surround sound system. Besides, I have lived in Mumbai most of my
life and your English accent is off by just that much. Did you take accent
lessons? My Dad worked the tech call banks in Bangalore when he was young, and
he is still good with a lot of accents."
"No Sir. We
don't do accents anymore. We use electronic voice filters to simulate accents.
I can adjust the pronunciation to reflect an English accent as influenced by
any of the sixteen most popular dialects in the greater Mumbai region. Would
you care to specify an accent preference?"
"Naw. I'm just
messing with you, Suren. Frustration, I guess. Say, where are you located? I
know there are no tech banks left in Mumbai. Are you in Sri Lanka? You can tell
me, I got no outsourcing grudges."
"No Sir. I
am not in Sri Lanka. But we should discuss your problem. You only get three
free technical calls and I see that you have already used one. This is your
second."
"How many
does that leave me? Wait. Don't tell me you're in Afghanistan."
"No Sir.
This technical call center is in Tierra del Fuego."
"Tierra del
Fuego! I knew it. It's pre-monsoon here and about 38º C. Pretty hot, huh? How
is the weather there?"
"Very cold,
Lucy, thank you for asking. Now about your problem, is this in reference to the
full-wall, Super-Definition television screen you purchased in February of this
year?"
"Huh, yeah.
Yeah. I want to straighten out all the bugs before my three month warranty
expires."
"Do not
worry Lucy, you have thirty-seven days remaining. I assure you that I will be
able to satisfactorily resolve all of your technical issues. Is this call in
reference to your previous service call? That file is closed, but not marked as
resolved. I understand you had difficulty installing three optional expansion
modules."
"Yes and
no. The inline colorization module works great now. I really like the feature
where I can select individual clothes colors for the retro TV series. Do you
watch Bachelor Father? That Kelly is hot in a yellow blouse."
"I am glad
the module is working for you, Lucy."
"Well, the
individual character object aspect ratio modifier module is still a little
flakey. When Lucy -- the television character, not me -- is prego on the old
Desilu series, she looks twisted when the picture is stretched to fill the
wall, if you know what I mean."
"Databank
downloads of height to width ratios for individual characters are only
maintained for color retro series. Full wall versions of the older black and
white versions are not supported at this time. You may always choose to view
older series in the original three:four aspect ratios with decorative border fill."
"Yeah,
Yeah. I understand. But if you put a red-haired Lucy in a scarlet dress on a
full wall scene, then she is one hot mama, but in a funny way, you know. The smart upconverter to Super Definition on
these old series is remarkably lifelike. Have you seen Annette in a pale blue
sweater on the Mickey Mouse Club?"
"If you
enjoy very high resolution, I would remind you that Ultra Definition has been
out for a year. Ultra Definition quadruples the picture elements in your
current wall screen."
"Yeah, I
guess that's why I got such a great deal on the Super Definition wall. But I
like SD fine. I actually tested myself before buying. I can't distinguish any
granularity differences between Super Definition pictures and Ultra Definition
pictures even from twenty centimeter away. And more than sixteen million
colors? Forget it. My eyes glaze over way before that. Overall, side-by-side,
SD or UD, they look the same to me. I am not really into repeated screen zooms.
So how would I recognize the difference without zooms of a couple of
magnitudes?"
"Yes, but
if you are watching an SD screen and all your friends watch a UD screen, you
would know that your picture is not as good as theirs even if you could not see
it. And your friends would know that your screen was inferior even if they
could not see it. Doesn't that worry you, Lucy?"
"Not until
you brought it up."
"I
understand, Sir. What about the inline three-dimensional simulation module?
Does that operate to your satisfaction?"
"Still
jumpy and it freezes up. The guy I talked to last time. Yeah it was... let me
see, here we go... Suren. What a coincidence. But it was a guy named Suren,
Suren. Anyway, he said that my processor is not fast enough to render the retro
programs into true three D, not with the colorizer and aspect adjustments
running at the same time. I bought the fastest processor you sold two months
ago. Can I upgrade to a faster processor now?"
"We have a
ten percent faster processor available. I can order you one."
"Will it
correct the problems with my three-D module?"
"No Sir. I
am afraid you will need at least a twenty percent increase in speed for your
modules to operate correctly. I do have an improved replacement three-D module
available. I can order you one of those if you like."
"Will it
work with the new processor?"
"Neither is
fast enough, Sir."
"I've got
ten expansion module slots with seven of them still open. Why would you sell. .
. ?"
"You will
have to take that up with marketing, Sir. This is technical. We do not decide
what features to sell. Our job is to fix it. May I mark your case as
'Satisfactorily Resolved' and close your file?"
"No. I
didn't call about the modules. At least, I don't think they are the problem. I
told you. I have dog slobber on my screen. That damn Boxer walks up to the
screen, sniffs it and proceeds to lick away. Left a gooey mess
everywhere."
"I suggest
warm, soapy water with a non-abrasive sponge. We also have special cleaning
cloths for wall screens. I can order you one if you like?"
"Why do you
keep trying to sell me stuff? Are you on commission?"
"No, Sir. I
am sorry, Lucy. No commission, but I do have a sales quota."
"I don't
think cleaning the screen will do any good. The slobber seems to be a permanent
part of the screen."
"Dog damage
is not a warranty item, Sir. You should keep your dog away from the
screen."
"I don't own
a dog. I was watching a retro comedy series where this guy has a big-old,
obnoxious Boxer. The dog slobbers on everything, that's the running joke. In
one scene he comes over to the screen -- the camera I guess, when you look at
it from the other side—and he slobbers all over the camera, or the screen, or
whatever your viewpoint demands."
"Remember,
Lucy, the problem with wall screens is that whatever happens onscreen, looks
real, like it actually is on the wall. The slobber should go away when the
scene changes."
"The
slobber doesn't go away even when I change channels. I tell you, it's slobber
burn-in. That has got to be a warranty problem."
"Let me check
on that, Sir. Can I call you back?"
"Will that
count as another tech call?"
"Yes,
Sir."
"Then I
will hold."
—|—
"Are you
still there, Lucy?"
"Yes. I'm
still here. I was just having a late night snack of saag paneer and a second
bowl of curry. The first got cold while I was waiting."
"Yes, Sir.
I am sorry, but my supervisor, says that the problem you described cannot be
documented. The supervisor is here in case you would like to speak with him."
"You mean the
problem is not in your catalog of programmed responses."
"No Sir, it
is not. The supervisor suggests that you have a professional screen cleaner
treat your wall. That should clear up the problem. You may want a commercial
stain and dust repellant applied. And be sure to keep the neighbor's dog away from
your screen. May I mark your problem as resolved and close your file?"
"No!. That
is not the problem I described. And there are worse things than slobber. While
I was waiting for you, I watched a retro movie about an assassin. This killer
was using one of those old rifles, you know, the kind with a laser sight. I
guess the original video must have been in 3-D—Incidentally, I am still hoping
for some satisfaction on that 3-D module—anyway, he turns the rifle toward the
screen. You can tell it's supposed to look like it comes out of the screen, and
he points the barrel at you. Well, that damned red laser sight popped right
through the screen and shined around my living room. If I hadn't covered my
eyes, he would have burned my retina. I see why they banned laser gun sights. I
mean it's one thing to blow a guy away, but it's just cruel to blind him
first."
"What are
you saying, Sir? I am sure it was only an optical illusion."
"I'm saying
I could have been fried. Maybe worse. What if the laser burned out some of my
screen pixels?"
"I see,
Sir. You should know that dead picture elements are not a warranty issue unless
they exceed a tenth of a percent of all picture elements. Although the law does
not require that I give you any warning, you should also know that these
conversations are recorded. Lying to a technical representative for the purpose
of securing undeserved warranty work is fraud punishable by up to ten years in
prison."
"If I am imprisoned
will I be forced to work on a technical help line?"
"There is
no reason to insult me, Sir. Now, may I mark your problem as resolved and close
your file?"
"So, no
satisfaction on my first call, and no satisfaction on this call. Do you have
any statistics on how many people actually try a third technical call? Never
mind, I . . . what the— Here's a goody for you, Suren. The whole wall just went
blank. My Super Definition television crashed. It's dead in the water. Do I
have to call back, or can we discuss a complete failure if it happened during
this call?"
"Make it
quick. Lucy, you've got some 'splaining to do'."
"That was
funny, Suren. I take it your supervisor left? Are you sure you're not the girl
who helped me with my surround sound?"
"Perhaps Lucy.
Please explain the problem with your screen?"
"What explain?
The wall went dead. I got zip, nada, zero."
"Did you
turn off the receiver?"
"Duh. I
have not turned the wall off in the two months I've owned it. Maybe I've
forgotten how to turn it off, besides the status light is green. But there is
no picture, just electronically dampened static flickering on the wall and an
irritating buzz from my sound system. Wait. Your avatar is still at the corner
of the screen. So the internet connection works. I've just lost the broadcast."
"Ah, then
the screen still functions. It must be a signal problem. Do you have cable,
satellite, internet, or antenna?"
"All of the
above. You're not going to try to sell me rabbit ears, are you? No? Usually I
watch over-the-air. I like the retro stuff."
"And the
local time there is 1:00 a.m.?"
"I'm a
night owl. What can I say?"
"You are
aware that today was the last day for over-the-air Super Definition broadcasts.
At 1:00 a.m. all over-the-air signals upgraded to Ultra Definition."
"My two
month old receiver is obsolete?"
"Warning
notices have scrolled across the bottom of all screens for the last six
months."
"Yeah,
well, It's a full-wall screen and I mounted baseboard across the bottom."
"I can
order you a converter box module if you like. You should know that the
converter box module is not compatible with any of the modules already
installed in your receiver. Compatible replacement modules may be available the
first quarter of next year depending on demand."
"Huh. No.
Let me think about this. I can still watch internet movies and satellite."
"Very well,
Lucy. I will mark the problem as satisfactorily resolved and close your file.
Thank you for calling Device Upgrade Department. Consult DUD for all your
service needs."
"Wait.
Don't hang up."
"What else
can I do for you, Lucy?"
"I will
consent to marking the file closed if you have web dinner with me."
". . . Web
dinner?"
"Yeah, you
know, where we each sit in front of our respective wall screen and watch the
other eat while making stupid conversation: web dinner."
Suren's avatar
flickered to be replaced with a light brown face framed by straight black hair.
Her dark eyes sparkled ,and she flashed an
impertinent smile.
"I am in Tierra
del Fuego, and you are in Mumbai, Lucy. Where do you think a web dinner could
lead?"
"Hey, I've
got permanent dog-slobber on the inside
of my screen. Anything is possible."
"Let's just
call it an upgrade of our relationship."
—End—
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